just an idea--not an action as far as you know. sucka.

when life serves you lemons--steal a beer from the guy next to you. smash those lemons in his face. tell him it's god's will.

put on a motorcycle helmet and headbutt the jukebox and the pinball machine.
make sure it's a bar you never go to.

that's what i'm putting under someone's tree.
yeah.
looks like it and all, doesn't it.
yeah.
ho ho ho.
take off your boot---grab it and start waving it around over your head and whacking people with it.
yell punk forever and skynrd as loud as you can.
pee your pants right there.
put sammy hagar on the jukebox and start trying to do that "run up the wall//flip" thing he did in that video.
use tables and chairs if they help.
that'll fill up your stocking nice and pretty wouldn't it?
yeah.
you betchya it would and all.
this next trick is called---"someone's probably going to shoot me--start running now"!

so i got laid off......

you'd think that would fuel negative review into overdrive but not yet.
i gave myself a week of laziness but it's over now. dammit.
i'll be hating tonight--i also have to draw a comic strip and learn the organ by february!
goals mofos---goals.
also the dockers will have a 7" TALES FROM THE DOCK coming out on Gustav//r.l. records in feb. or march. grey marble vinyl--comes with comic and cover art by JEFF GAITHER.
pretty awesome to get someone's art you've admired for 20+ years to do something for you.

this will also mark the end of the real life record label---but fear not because it is the birth of the FEZCORE label! there were 20+ releases on real life records. all of the docker demo stuff--from the freebies to the studio stuff. it's time to let it go as it's the past and f.c. will be the future.

also we're beginning to book some great bands for jan and feb. i'll post more when i know more. we're looking for a good out of town fez band for fez fest '10 as well. if you know of a likely weirdo canidate--holler at me.

haterade served piping hot!!!!!

rush---hockey pucks with their balls in vices. have progressed beyond progression and had to get back to their roots--which i guess were skewering who/zep songs? helium highs team up with robotic drumming and cop punching guitar to steal ayn rand lyrics and make with the boring. music for guys who actually make money from selling weed.

go-go's----like totally, fer shure, gag me with something you bought at top kapi or claires!! vacation rock for people whose brains are stuck in 1982. tried to sneak in as punk rock but were really cutesy pop. everything the've done since has betrayed them--except belinda's tummy tuck. that actually helped her get in playboy!! girl power, huh?jane weidlin should punish her.....on dvd.

bad brains---a band that shoots itself in the foot every time. made a few classics and then let their mouthpiece ruin it all. mumbletymouth rasta punk that is as intelligible as the guy i have to talk about my mortgage with. supposedly awesome live but manage to always come to our town with some bullshitty singer because h.r. can't be cool. they don't even own their own band name.smoke another, brudda!

dead boys---the rocket from the tomb rip off that started a million dead boys rip offs. people say they don't get enough credit but i say not enough blame---everytime i see a guylinered chump spitting on the stage. they put the punk in punk rock for better or worse (worse). the corn in cleveland's brown.they are probably yankees fans.

insane clown posse----possibly the only rappers worse than eminem. serious dookie mixed with 12 year old humor. but even they (and ameobas) are smarter than their fans. honestly, the dumbest subculture to rear it's funny head in many a day. music for backyard wrasslers and meth heads and faygo salesmen only.and dropouts who will probably come back and shoot up the school. and they bury their babies in styrofoam coolers.

master p===uh what uh what ho phenanena.beeper rock for 90's suburban kids to wig out to.the beginning of dumb bling bling cd covers and crunk type rhyming. saying master p is a pioneer is like saying michael jordan was a good baseball player. misleading and ultimately false.dude's name is percy.fucking percy.

gates of slumber---frank frazetta sang molly hatchet songs with st vitus and a guy in prison drew it. music destined to be a pin up in easy rider or iron horse. rhinoceros jams for elephants who think sabbath are speed metal.music for wood tables and people who eat grendel's arm.even hagar was not this horrible.

mr negative review is back and he's pissed!

triumph---the non-thinking man's rush. light shows for burnouts and canoodling canucks. a power trio with no power and that 1981 helium voice. your uncle probably has it on 8 track--ask him about when they opened for molly hatchet. if the old geez can remember that far back. the musical equivalent of your freshman year.

depeche mode---uber sissies who mixed simon with speak and spell before discovering guy liner and black dye. boohoo clove smoking jams for beret wearers. music that drags you down with it to a world of sweaty leather and poofery. burn your self w/cigarettes electro mixed with obligatory "cutting" edge dance/art/poo. dudes only like this stuff to get laid unless they hate themselves. personal buttplugs.
people are people but douches are douches, sissypants.

toby keith--flagburningwafflehousefordtruckearfuck perpetrated by a fake country dickslap.

any way you look at him your intelligence is insulted. makes 'full house' seem like shakespeare. i don't know how anybody could be this dumb and it makes me sad. everything that is wrong about the 'country" star making machine. i don't know who this music is for and i never want to. run away before they lynch you.

danzig---mogul midget who rules the dark side of beavis with an iron fist. the music sounds like a pool no one has cleaned in a year--all green/black sludge w/ mosquitos in it. he wants to be scary and is about as successful as "new coke" was. to the mainstream he's a one hit wonder (mother). to the northside kings he's a one punch wonder. to me he's macaroni w/ too much cheese. dirty whack bummer.

sloppy seconds--slobby seconds. the pawn shop surfer guy teams up with the guys who would tell on you for smoking pot. so ugly and old they almost make the dockers pretty. somehow they dumb up the ramones which is equivalent to making the cubs choke more. psychotronic toy collector rock for people who jerk off to the bugaloos and electra woman and dyna-girl.
kids like it, but kids are dumb.

green day--chip toothed booger eaters bring formula pop punk to the masses. catchy jerk off ditties about how hard being 19 is by 40 year old dudes. anything past dookie is exactly that. i blame them for making mall punk ok. and that's all they will ever be, just ok. OXYCUTE 'EM.

ted nugent--everytime he opens his mouth a turd falls out. america's great white hunter has been getting over on 2 songs from 1976 and a loin cloth. hairy and scary jerk even teamed up with styxranger for dam yankees--unforgivable by itself. tag him and stuff him for the hall of shame.guess where he's from? more monkey turds from shitsville.

old thought of the day stuff from indy hardcore board

i would like to see a smart car's brain after being hit by a rig.

girl was so skinny when i put my dick in her she gained 2 dress sizes.

you lead by example--not by bitching until someone does it so you'll shut the fuck up.

i want to make a door sign that says "if you don't know me--don't knock".

i want to ticket handicapped people for parking in regular spaces.

funerals aren't good foreplay"

"you never have to say "be careful" to your straight edge friends"


"there's never a better time than never"

i had a reason to give a fuck but i already gave it away.

you can tell the emperor he has no clothes but you'll still be a peasant and he'll still be emperor

a moral victory is a lonely place, sometimes.

you can fight fate, you just never know if you've won or lost.

i want a mask of the kid from mask.

i saw someone slobbing on a popsicle and i thought what a waste....i don't stick my dick in frozen hot pockets.

one of the worst things about growing up is when you stop pretending to have fun and start pretending to care.

i was rockin dana dane with fame
when your ass was still learning to write your name.

if god won't even forgive satan (who was his dude),
what makes you think he'll forgive your sorry ass?

don't flip off bikers unless you're packing.

not for all the beers at cheers.

the worst part of being cynical is being right all the time and hating it.

you know when passive aggressive people attack you that you've already won without counter attacking.

i wish i could trick myself into having faith in something.

chivalry is sugar coated sexism.

it's easy to be a lone wolf when you're a black sheep.

some people are catholic, some root for the cubs.
it's a safe way to get your s+m on.

"make no mistake mom and dad, i am a son of a bitch"

chopping off dicks is a pedo-cure.

so here's my band's next show. i'll get back to requests tonight, my fiends.

i got you mofos day 4 continued

devil to pay---the first thing i think is damn--if they are all here then the billy goats gruff are totally crossing the bridge. (solo) the soundtrack to troll 3 slowed down to a crawl with more hair than all the armpits of europe .(solo) songs so long and slow you can actually watch them grow beards on stage---heavy loaders in their mom's station wagon. (solo) chris cornell with strep throat because he wore his sandals without sox teamed up with refugees from the noble roman's monster try-outs.( solo)into the void with these neurotic boxers. (solo)

the white stripes---more like the brown streaks, johny depp teams up with meg griffin to play so called "garage rock". shut the door and turn on the car--hurry before they make a new record. the 8th circle of hipster hell inspired a bunch of douches who have never heard nuggets to make "garage rock". about as authentic as tv wrestling and 100000% less entertaining. once again detroit throws it's turds at us like a damn monkey---RON ARTEST HAD IT RIGHT SHITHEADS!!!!

queens of the stone age---started off as a metal hall and oates but with no soul. scaredy cat rockmetal lite for people that don't want to offend--which is the only reason to ever play metal any damn way. after homme kicked out nick out it became the hall only showcase so he could lick dave grohl's butt and steal the rancid guy's old lady. stoner rock for people that don't smoke weed and think faux hawks are rebel flags. like a hot wheel with a bent axle and carpet in the tires==no fun.

bad religion---the ac/dc of punk. have made the same album for over 20 years and all the dummies haven't noticed. thesaurus jams for under their breath mumblers and shocker victims. phd in suck combined with a marketing b.a. i blame them for the whole melodic movement that gives me unmelodic bowel movements. the soundtrack for people named bradworth or huffington to listen to while they wait for their folks to die. mall moguls--monotone men. epicraph.

bloody panda---scion rock for people who don't like music. yoko ono joins candlemass and teams up to blow mark david chapman and black sabbath. oil and water jams that never come together with a hyena screaming over the top of it.i don't get it and what would i get if i did--besides an earache and some free butler scion socks?underwhelming is giving it too much credit really.avoid like avaian flu.

The Gitmos---uncle sam jam except this year no charlie daniels i guess. no good songs either. conspiracy theorists who hate obama because he's prettier than they are.a hoaxacaust of the ears and eyes for tin foil chewers and hollow earthers who think the government has bugs in their fillings. we could pry the guns from their cold dead hands but who wants to pull the peckers out of them first? show of hands??? dopes who hate hope.

Eminem---section 8 mike d. from detroit with a voice so nasallyit's like a mating call for alice cooper. if they made parappa the rappa a reality show this is what it would be like. repeats his name more times than the folks who got stuck on one sentence back in the ward. tennis ball head raps for white suburban kids to pretend they are street to. take away dr. dre and you get detroit with out the factories--burned out bullshit that nobody cares about except shoe stealers and crackheads.

mr. negative day 4--shouting out to kooch//psychomatt and victoria--i hate your faves, buckos.

r.e.m.----for some reason i remember hearing this band on rate-a-record on american bandstand.it's all been downhill from there. sorry sacks of georgia hoodeley-hoo that mumbled their way to altstardumb.the videos were like postcards from some horrible altered universe where picking your nose was a bold statement. and the music was worse. jingle jangle junk mixed with whining and topped off with the world's biggest eyebrows. just carrying them around gave him an aneurysm. in summary 40 year old boy scout poet music with mr defazio brows for folks that really enjoy mumbling and crying. probably a hit in psych wards and pre schools. i haven't been in either in years.

ice cube---i'm pouring out a 40 of st. ides right now for cube's rhyme writing. ever since he caught the acting bug it's bye bye rhymes hello acting crimes. because let's face it--the only good acting he ever did is when for a brief moment before death certificate--you thought he meant it.and as for the movie--anaconda--i haven't rooted for a snake that hard since vacation bible school.

jethro tull--isn't he the kid who wiped snot on his pants? no--even worse--a gang of hairy woodland brits with a flute and a fish hatchery! minstrel in the poopery. maypole folk beard rock that seems exotic the first time you hear it in your dad's garage, but slowly reveals the sackless attack of it's true nature.but no matter how hard i diss them--they still whipped metallica.flutes up your ass! aquadung!

zero boys---some schleps ape the dickies and ramones and it amazes the children of the corn.but then again--so did mork and mindy. proto-hardcore rage-outs that splats the mirror like blackheads with a singer who sounds like he licked them off the mirror. i call them the michael jordan of punk because vicious circle has been retired and came back just as much. the soundtrack for pizza delivery drivers who are philosophy majors .soul deep in pepperoni. 8th pressing.

negative review day 3

that's what i'm calling it from now on---keep the requests coming and i'll keep hating.

mozart---ok, first off--no one alive has ever heard mozart.sure you've heard the world's biggest (member wise) cover bands do it--but dude was dead before your great great daddy suspect was even born. buffer music for public radio and scared to play real jams college stations. a guy so lame "pinto" had to play him--was "flounder" busy that week?his entire written music isn't even as cool as the falco jam about him. and it sucks.

x---take a homeless chick bukowski wouldn't even do--add a mechanic//rockabilly guy//and a monkey and you have x.roots music for transients and hobos. at least they were smart enough to ditch ray manzarek--they have that going for them. as soon as they quit drinking and i quit drinking we all broke up. they were a lot prettier drunk. if this is poetry e.e. cummings is a grammar teacher.

type o negative---"my name's peter and i live up to it".after writing semi-nazi jams for carnivore and agnostic front ole pete decided he'd try to get laid with these low-rent vampire jams. taste the blood of suckula is more like it.the scariest thing about them are their fans--and that playgirl spread--this music probably works like barry white at magic the gathering tournaments.

Guns and Roses---what was left after aerosmith sobered up.not musically, i mean on the bathroom floor. when i hear them being hailed as classic i want nuclear war to happen--it makes me lose faith in humanity. . probably the worst singer and biggest asshole//pussy to ever draw breath.never--i repeat never has anyone ever believed the hype more than these dumbasses.
#2 on the pissing on our legacy chart after kiss. how can you possibly back anyone who is scared of vince neil? music for camaro owners//marlboro smokers and overall buttplugs. crappetite for posing.listening to anything after appetite is worse than voting for sarah palin in 2012.

monster magnet---there are only 2 things that stop me from liking them--my balls. failed punker tries to make himself over as a "stoner rock god" and rips off hawkwind and 60's jams he knows none of his carpet cleaner huffing fans have ever heard. he should call his records 'guess the riff" because they are all jacked. wyndorfe is like the 16 year old at your junior high except he's too dumb to get 'socially promoted" to high school. they'd like to be el caminos--but they are more like mini-vans.

Bucket Head---mofo doesn't even do chicken right.i'm not going to waste a lot of time on something as pointless as this guy. too lame to be in a band--too dumb to move out of the chicken coop. this is music for shred heads who can't get along with anyone else. finger lickin dumb!

Manowar----music made by oiled up loin cloth wearing men for hesher dudes who call everybody "fag". you try to figure it out--i don't want to. i will never be this bored.

Smashing Pumpkins---waaaaah waaaah waaah! lurch has a sex change boogie for the pre and post op set. dude has less to say than a mime but it doesn't stop him from putting it out.supposed to be art rock but there is no rock involved.cheese and wine go together forever!the world is an ashtray.

ac/dc---one riff wonders led by an aussie midget and a guy taking a perpetual shit. a singer that makes nazareth sound like opera drug down to the ground by riffs found in chuck berry's trash bin. the only thing dumber than ac/dc are the people who bought their new cd at wal mart. bon was the smart one guys--choking on puke is way cooler than wal mart. for lyrics they just take an old sexual innuendo and wrap it around something they found scrawled on a rest area bathroom wall. come to think of it--brian johnson is the epitome of "here i yell broken hearted.....trying to shit but only farted".the highway to hell no.

abba---makes pat boone look like james brown. souless soul music for people on the bon-bon diet. whack harmonies added to classical pop disco that is just as horrible as that sounds. the spice girls//milli vanilli of the 70's--you get what you deserve people.

wait--there's more disses.

fearless iranians from hell--boner was the perfect label for these boners. as funny as a jihad suicide bombing at a nursing home// a speech from the iron sheik.
1 iranian and some jerks from texas go for the extremist fan--it's like making amish punk rock--they can't/won't listen to it. they are probably scared of reagan still. 1# album in the spiderhole charts though.

slayer---geraldo//60 minutes rock that drives the 80's moms crazy.
whammy bar wankery in service to ole scratch supposedly, but actually the singer was christian.
which answers the question--how do you make unbelievable even more so? lyrics taken from local jr. high notebooks they found cobbled together with solos they can't remember.
where does the devil find these douches?
probably will end up bag boys at hell's super wal-mart..
the drummer was fast but not fast enough to quit after 1 grip, inc. record unfortunately.
please blame them for any crappy squealing you hear from a guitar and any greenwood kid with a pentagram necklace.
deep purple--mach 1-mach pi. at first a low-rent moody blues--then an in rock band with the werewolf of london on vocals--then the spawning of david coverversion. richie blackmore is the pilgrim who poisoned the indians--a hype believing machine!
music for people that are scared of real heavy metal and folks that wish janis joplin was a man.
they are still at it with a different washed up guitarist--hooray for them. richie plays a meat lute.

rainbow---where dio first wrote the song he would write 80, 000 more times. midget yells--richie wanks--midget yells. the end. but that wasn't good enough for richie's ego (or wallet) so then he got graham bonnett the ultimate low-end robert palmer ever--when that didn't work he got joe lynn foreigner. that got him on the radio but took all of the sack out of the band completely. music for midget fetishers//pilgrim fetishists and people on paul rodgers sack.

dearnt=is the cat hurl you step on in the morning. except the cat hurl is more musical. and better looking and smelling. fuck it--i'm sorry i dissed you, cat puke.

hawkwind---ok right off the bat--who left the window open?--there is an ill wind blowing in every hawkwind song.
these unhip hippies tried to bring it back to the people--on venus, i guess 'cause these dorks were in a realm of spacecheese that even cap'n kirk passed on.
even the nude girl wasn't enough to make me sit through a whole show of theirs.
a band so dumb they kicked lemmy out--okay, maybe that wind is what is blowing through the emptiness in their heads.
the cut out bin is their final frontier.
amon duul 1 or 2---the records 70's geeks broke out to be cool. english as a second language rock for people who believe what critics write. i think they changed their number to show they were piss #1 poor and now they are poop #2. singing so fritzy and gutentaggish that the scorpions have to have it translated. hitler would be ashamed, and for once in his weinerschnitzling life he'd be right.

van halen--a black oak arkansas fan joins cream and gets raped by sweet. possibly the most pointless lyrics to ever be put out on a major label--so dumb it hurts worse than the sound of the hammer-ons/offs that the drunk wrinklepuss on guitar is constantly doing.
blame them for all the "feelgood" hair metal b.s. that saturated the 80's.
they don't like each other and that is the only thing i can agree with them on. bertenelli rock with all of the charm of schneider's (one day at a time) plumber's crack--probably appeals to the kids who used to beat you up--so it has that going for it--and that's about it.
bloodrock---chumps that got lucky with d,o,a,--if you dig deeper than that you will find some guess who used condoms and a bill for hair implants. remember the goons in the movie "christine" in the shop class?
that is bloodrock's daddies.