just an idea--not an action as far as you know. sucka.

when life serves you lemons--steal a beer from the guy next to you. smash those lemons in his face. tell him it's god's will.

put on a motorcycle helmet and headbutt the jukebox and the pinball machine.
make sure it's a bar you never go to.

that's what i'm putting under someone's tree.
yeah.
looks like it and all, doesn't it.
yeah.
ho ho ho.
take off your boot---grab it and start waving it around over your head and whacking people with it.
yell punk forever and skynrd as loud as you can.
pee your pants right there.
put sammy hagar on the jukebox and start trying to do that "run up the wall//flip" thing he did in that video.
use tables and chairs if they help.
that'll fill up your stocking nice and pretty wouldn't it?
yeah.
you betchya it would and all.
this next trick is called---"someone's probably going to shoot me--start running now"!

so i got laid off......

you'd think that would fuel negative review into overdrive but not yet.
i gave myself a week of laziness but it's over now. dammit.
i'll be hating tonight--i also have to draw a comic strip and learn the organ by february!
goals mofos---goals.
also the dockers will have a 7" TALES FROM THE DOCK coming out on Gustav//r.l. records in feb. or march. grey marble vinyl--comes with comic and cover art by JEFF GAITHER.
pretty awesome to get someone's art you've admired for 20+ years to do something for you.

this will also mark the end of the real life record label---but fear not because it is the birth of the FEZCORE label! there were 20+ releases on real life records. all of the docker demo stuff--from the freebies to the studio stuff. it's time to let it go as it's the past and f.c. will be the future.

also we're beginning to book some great bands for jan and feb. i'll post more when i know more. we're looking for a good out of town fez band for fez fest '10 as well. if you know of a likely weirdo canidate--holler at me.

haterade served piping hot!!!!!

rush---hockey pucks with their balls in vices. have progressed beyond progression and had to get back to their roots--which i guess were skewering who/zep songs? helium highs team up with robotic drumming and cop punching guitar to steal ayn rand lyrics and make with the boring. music for guys who actually make money from selling weed.

go-go's----like totally, fer shure, gag me with something you bought at top kapi or claires!! vacation rock for people whose brains are stuck in 1982. tried to sneak in as punk rock but were really cutesy pop. everything the've done since has betrayed them--except belinda's tummy tuck. that actually helped her get in playboy!! girl power, huh?jane weidlin should punish her.....on dvd.

bad brains---a band that shoots itself in the foot every time. made a few classics and then let their mouthpiece ruin it all. mumbletymouth rasta punk that is as intelligible as the guy i have to talk about my mortgage with. supposedly awesome live but manage to always come to our town with some bullshitty singer because h.r. can't be cool. they don't even own their own band name.smoke another, brudda!

dead boys---the rocket from the tomb rip off that started a million dead boys rip offs. people say they don't get enough credit but i say not enough blame---everytime i see a guylinered chump spitting on the stage. they put the punk in punk rock for better or worse (worse). the corn in cleveland's brown.they are probably yankees fans.

insane clown posse----possibly the only rappers worse than eminem. serious dookie mixed with 12 year old humor. but even they (and ameobas) are smarter than their fans. honestly, the dumbest subculture to rear it's funny head in many a day. music for backyard wrasslers and meth heads and faygo salesmen only.and dropouts who will probably come back and shoot up the school. and they bury their babies in styrofoam coolers.

master p===uh what uh what ho phenanena.beeper rock for 90's suburban kids to wig out to.the beginning of dumb bling bling cd covers and crunk type rhyming. saying master p is a pioneer is like saying michael jordan was a good baseball player. misleading and ultimately false.dude's name is percy.fucking percy.

gates of slumber---frank frazetta sang molly hatchet songs with st vitus and a guy in prison drew it. music destined to be a pin up in easy rider or iron horse. rhinoceros jams for elephants who think sabbath are speed metal.music for wood tables and people who eat grendel's arm.even hagar was not this horrible.

mr negative review is back and he's pissed!

triumph---the non-thinking man's rush. light shows for burnouts and canoodling canucks. a power trio with no power and that 1981 helium voice. your uncle probably has it on 8 track--ask him about when they opened for molly hatchet. if the old geez can remember that far back. the musical equivalent of your freshman year.

depeche mode---uber sissies who mixed simon with speak and spell before discovering guy liner and black dye. boohoo clove smoking jams for beret wearers. music that drags you down with it to a world of sweaty leather and poofery. burn your self w/cigarettes electro mixed with obligatory "cutting" edge dance/art/poo. dudes only like this stuff to get laid unless they hate themselves. personal buttplugs.
people are people but douches are douches, sissypants.

toby keith--flagburningwafflehousefordtruckearfuck perpetrated by a fake country dickslap.

any way you look at him your intelligence is insulted. makes 'full house' seem like shakespeare. i don't know how anybody could be this dumb and it makes me sad. everything that is wrong about the 'country" star making machine. i don't know who this music is for and i never want to. run away before they lynch you.

danzig---mogul midget who rules the dark side of beavis with an iron fist. the music sounds like a pool no one has cleaned in a year--all green/black sludge w/ mosquitos in it. he wants to be scary and is about as successful as "new coke" was. to the mainstream he's a one hit wonder (mother). to the northside kings he's a one punch wonder. to me he's macaroni w/ too much cheese. dirty whack bummer.

sloppy seconds--slobby seconds. the pawn shop surfer guy teams up with the guys who would tell on you for smoking pot. so ugly and old they almost make the dockers pretty. somehow they dumb up the ramones which is equivalent to making the cubs choke more. psychotronic toy collector rock for people who jerk off to the bugaloos and electra woman and dyna-girl.
kids like it, but kids are dumb.

green day--chip toothed booger eaters bring formula pop punk to the masses. catchy jerk off ditties about how hard being 19 is by 40 year old dudes. anything past dookie is exactly that. i blame them for making mall punk ok. and that's all they will ever be, just ok. OXYCUTE 'EM.

ted nugent--everytime he opens his mouth a turd falls out. america's great white hunter has been getting over on 2 songs from 1976 and a loin cloth. hairy and scary jerk even teamed up with styxranger for dam yankees--unforgivable by itself. tag him and stuff him for the hall of shame.guess where he's from? more monkey turds from shitsville.

old thought of the day stuff from indy hardcore board

i would like to see a smart car's brain after being hit by a rig.

girl was so skinny when i put my dick in her she gained 2 dress sizes.

you lead by example--not by bitching until someone does it so you'll shut the fuck up.

i want to make a door sign that says "if you don't know me--don't knock".

i want to ticket handicapped people for parking in regular spaces.

funerals aren't good foreplay"

"you never have to say "be careful" to your straight edge friends"


"there's never a better time than never"

i had a reason to give a fuck but i already gave it away.

you can tell the emperor he has no clothes but you'll still be a peasant and he'll still be emperor

a moral victory is a lonely place, sometimes.

you can fight fate, you just never know if you've won or lost.

i want a mask of the kid from mask.

i saw someone slobbing on a popsicle and i thought what a waste....i don't stick my dick in frozen hot pockets.

one of the worst things about growing up is when you stop pretending to have fun and start pretending to care.

i was rockin dana dane with fame
when your ass was still learning to write your name.

if god won't even forgive satan (who was his dude),
what makes you think he'll forgive your sorry ass?

don't flip off bikers unless you're packing.

not for all the beers at cheers.

the worst part of being cynical is being right all the time and hating it.

you know when passive aggressive people attack you that you've already won without counter attacking.

i wish i could trick myself into having faith in something.

chivalry is sugar coated sexism.

it's easy to be a lone wolf when you're a black sheep.

some people are catholic, some root for the cubs.
it's a safe way to get your s+m on.

"make no mistake mom and dad, i am a son of a bitch"

chopping off dicks is a pedo-cure.

so here's my band's next show. i'll get back to requests tonight, my fiends.

i got you mofos day 4 continued

devil to pay---the first thing i think is damn--if they are all here then the billy goats gruff are totally crossing the bridge. (solo) the soundtrack to troll 3 slowed down to a crawl with more hair than all the armpits of europe .(solo) songs so long and slow you can actually watch them grow beards on stage---heavy loaders in their mom's station wagon. (solo) chris cornell with strep throat because he wore his sandals without sox teamed up with refugees from the noble roman's monster try-outs.( solo)into the void with these neurotic boxers. (solo)

the white stripes---more like the brown streaks, johny depp teams up with meg griffin to play so called "garage rock". shut the door and turn on the car--hurry before they make a new record. the 8th circle of hipster hell inspired a bunch of douches who have never heard nuggets to make "garage rock". about as authentic as tv wrestling and 100000% less entertaining. once again detroit throws it's turds at us like a damn monkey---RON ARTEST HAD IT RIGHT SHITHEADS!!!!

queens of the stone age---started off as a metal hall and oates but with no soul. scaredy cat rockmetal lite for people that don't want to offend--which is the only reason to ever play metal any damn way. after homme kicked out nick out it became the hall only showcase so he could lick dave grohl's butt and steal the rancid guy's old lady. stoner rock for people that don't smoke weed and think faux hawks are rebel flags. like a hot wheel with a bent axle and carpet in the tires==no fun.

bad religion---the ac/dc of punk. have made the same album for over 20 years and all the dummies haven't noticed. thesaurus jams for under their breath mumblers and shocker victims. phd in suck combined with a marketing b.a. i blame them for the whole melodic movement that gives me unmelodic bowel movements. the soundtrack for people named bradworth or huffington to listen to while they wait for their folks to die. mall moguls--monotone men. epicraph.

bloody panda---scion rock for people who don't like music. yoko ono joins candlemass and teams up to blow mark david chapman and black sabbath. oil and water jams that never come together with a hyena screaming over the top of it.i don't get it and what would i get if i did--besides an earache and some free butler scion socks?underwhelming is giving it too much credit really.avoid like avaian flu.

The Gitmos---uncle sam jam except this year no charlie daniels i guess. no good songs either. conspiracy theorists who hate obama because he's prettier than they are.a hoaxacaust of the ears and eyes for tin foil chewers and hollow earthers who think the government has bugs in their fillings. we could pry the guns from their cold dead hands but who wants to pull the peckers out of them first? show of hands??? dopes who hate hope.

Eminem---section 8 mike d. from detroit with a voice so nasallyit's like a mating call for alice cooper. if they made parappa the rappa a reality show this is what it would be like. repeats his name more times than the folks who got stuck on one sentence back in the ward. tennis ball head raps for white suburban kids to pretend they are street to. take away dr. dre and you get detroit with out the factories--burned out bullshit that nobody cares about except shoe stealers and crackheads.

mr. negative day 4--shouting out to kooch//psychomatt and victoria--i hate your faves, buckos.

r.e.m.----for some reason i remember hearing this band on rate-a-record on american bandstand.it's all been downhill from there. sorry sacks of georgia hoodeley-hoo that mumbled their way to altstardumb.the videos were like postcards from some horrible altered universe where picking your nose was a bold statement. and the music was worse. jingle jangle junk mixed with whining and topped off with the world's biggest eyebrows. just carrying them around gave him an aneurysm. in summary 40 year old boy scout poet music with mr defazio brows for folks that really enjoy mumbling and crying. probably a hit in psych wards and pre schools. i haven't been in either in years.

ice cube---i'm pouring out a 40 of st. ides right now for cube's rhyme writing. ever since he caught the acting bug it's bye bye rhymes hello acting crimes. because let's face it--the only good acting he ever did is when for a brief moment before death certificate--you thought he meant it.and as for the movie--anaconda--i haven't rooted for a snake that hard since vacation bible school.

jethro tull--isn't he the kid who wiped snot on his pants? no--even worse--a gang of hairy woodland brits with a flute and a fish hatchery! minstrel in the poopery. maypole folk beard rock that seems exotic the first time you hear it in your dad's garage, but slowly reveals the sackless attack of it's true nature.but no matter how hard i diss them--they still whipped metallica.flutes up your ass! aquadung!

zero boys---some schleps ape the dickies and ramones and it amazes the children of the corn.but then again--so did mork and mindy. proto-hardcore rage-outs that splats the mirror like blackheads with a singer who sounds like he licked them off the mirror. i call them the michael jordan of punk because vicious circle has been retired and came back just as much. the soundtrack for pizza delivery drivers who are philosophy majors .soul deep in pepperoni. 8th pressing.

negative review day 3

that's what i'm calling it from now on---keep the requests coming and i'll keep hating.

mozart---ok, first off--no one alive has ever heard mozart.sure you've heard the world's biggest (member wise) cover bands do it--but dude was dead before your great great daddy suspect was even born. buffer music for public radio and scared to play real jams college stations. a guy so lame "pinto" had to play him--was "flounder" busy that week?his entire written music isn't even as cool as the falco jam about him. and it sucks.

x---take a homeless chick bukowski wouldn't even do--add a mechanic//rockabilly guy//and a monkey and you have x.roots music for transients and hobos. at least they were smart enough to ditch ray manzarek--they have that going for them. as soon as they quit drinking and i quit drinking we all broke up. they were a lot prettier drunk. if this is poetry e.e. cummings is a grammar teacher.

type o negative---"my name's peter and i live up to it".after writing semi-nazi jams for carnivore and agnostic front ole pete decided he'd try to get laid with these low-rent vampire jams. taste the blood of suckula is more like it.the scariest thing about them are their fans--and that playgirl spread--this music probably works like barry white at magic the gathering tournaments.

Guns and Roses---what was left after aerosmith sobered up.not musically, i mean on the bathroom floor. when i hear them being hailed as classic i want nuclear war to happen--it makes me lose faith in humanity. . probably the worst singer and biggest asshole//pussy to ever draw breath.never--i repeat never has anyone ever believed the hype more than these dumbasses.
#2 on the pissing on our legacy chart after kiss. how can you possibly back anyone who is scared of vince neil? music for camaro owners//marlboro smokers and overall buttplugs. crappetite for posing.listening to anything after appetite is worse than voting for sarah palin in 2012.

monster magnet---there are only 2 things that stop me from liking them--my balls. failed punker tries to make himself over as a "stoner rock god" and rips off hawkwind and 60's jams he knows none of his carpet cleaner huffing fans have ever heard. he should call his records 'guess the riff" because they are all jacked. wyndorfe is like the 16 year old at your junior high except he's too dumb to get 'socially promoted" to high school. they'd like to be el caminos--but they are more like mini-vans.

Bucket Head---mofo doesn't even do chicken right.i'm not going to waste a lot of time on something as pointless as this guy. too lame to be in a band--too dumb to move out of the chicken coop. this is music for shred heads who can't get along with anyone else. finger lickin dumb!

Manowar----music made by oiled up loin cloth wearing men for hesher dudes who call everybody "fag". you try to figure it out--i don't want to. i will never be this bored.

Smashing Pumpkins---waaaaah waaaah waaah! lurch has a sex change boogie for the pre and post op set. dude has less to say than a mime but it doesn't stop him from putting it out.supposed to be art rock but there is no rock involved.cheese and wine go together forever!the world is an ashtray.

ac/dc---one riff wonders led by an aussie midget and a guy taking a perpetual shit. a singer that makes nazareth sound like opera drug down to the ground by riffs found in chuck berry's trash bin. the only thing dumber than ac/dc are the people who bought their new cd at wal mart. bon was the smart one guys--choking on puke is way cooler than wal mart. for lyrics they just take an old sexual innuendo and wrap it around something they found scrawled on a rest area bathroom wall. come to think of it--brian johnson is the epitome of "here i yell broken hearted.....trying to shit but only farted".the highway to hell no.

abba---makes pat boone look like james brown. souless soul music for people on the bon-bon diet. whack harmonies added to classical pop disco that is just as horrible as that sounds. the spice girls//milli vanilli of the 70's--you get what you deserve people.

wait--there's more disses.

fearless iranians from hell--boner was the perfect label for these boners. as funny as a jihad suicide bombing at a nursing home// a speech from the iron sheik.
1 iranian and some jerks from texas go for the extremist fan--it's like making amish punk rock--they can't/won't listen to it. they are probably scared of reagan still. 1# album in the spiderhole charts though.

slayer---geraldo//60 minutes rock that drives the 80's moms crazy.
whammy bar wankery in service to ole scratch supposedly, but actually the singer was christian.
which answers the question--how do you make unbelievable even more so? lyrics taken from local jr. high notebooks they found cobbled together with solos they can't remember.
where does the devil find these douches?
probably will end up bag boys at hell's super wal-mart..
the drummer was fast but not fast enough to quit after 1 grip, inc. record unfortunately.
please blame them for any crappy squealing you hear from a guitar and any greenwood kid with a pentagram necklace.
deep purple--mach 1-mach pi. at first a low-rent moody blues--then an in rock band with the werewolf of london on vocals--then the spawning of david coverversion. richie blackmore is the pilgrim who poisoned the indians--a hype believing machine!
music for people that are scared of real heavy metal and folks that wish janis joplin was a man.
they are still at it with a different washed up guitarist--hooray for them. richie plays a meat lute.

rainbow---where dio first wrote the song he would write 80, 000 more times. midget yells--richie wanks--midget yells. the end. but that wasn't good enough for richie's ego (or wallet) so then he got graham bonnett the ultimate low-end robert palmer ever--when that didn't work he got joe lynn foreigner. that got him on the radio but took all of the sack out of the band completely. music for midget fetishers//pilgrim fetishists and people on paul rodgers sack.

dearnt=is the cat hurl you step on in the morning. except the cat hurl is more musical. and better looking and smelling. fuck it--i'm sorry i dissed you, cat puke.

hawkwind---ok right off the bat--who left the window open?--there is an ill wind blowing in every hawkwind song.
these unhip hippies tried to bring it back to the people--on venus, i guess 'cause these dorks were in a realm of spacecheese that even cap'n kirk passed on.
even the nude girl wasn't enough to make me sit through a whole show of theirs.
a band so dumb they kicked lemmy out--okay, maybe that wind is what is blowing through the emptiness in their heads.
the cut out bin is their final frontier.
amon duul 1 or 2---the records 70's geeks broke out to be cool. english as a second language rock for people who believe what critics write. i think they changed their number to show they were piss #1 poor and now they are poop #2. singing so fritzy and gutentaggish that the scorpions have to have it translated. hitler would be ashamed, and for once in his weinerschnitzling life he'd be right.

van halen--a black oak arkansas fan joins cream and gets raped by sweet. possibly the most pointless lyrics to ever be put out on a major label--so dumb it hurts worse than the sound of the hammer-ons/offs that the drunk wrinklepuss on guitar is constantly doing.
blame them for all the "feelgood" hair metal b.s. that saturated the 80's.
they don't like each other and that is the only thing i can agree with them on. bertenelli rock with all of the charm of schneider's (one day at a time) plumber's crack--probably appeals to the kids who used to beat you up--so it has that going for it--and that's about it.
bloodrock---chumps that got lucky with d,o,a,--if you dig deeper than that you will find some guess who used condoms and a bill for hair implants. remember the goons in the movie "christine" in the shop class?
that is bloodrock's daddies.

now it's mr. negative review to you, sucka.

barbara streisand---how? why? those are what come to mind when i think of her. well, that and schnozz. music so white it negates color. souless, bland, and yet pointless as well. can't act-can't sing--what can she do? plug up goodwill's with records and play jewish boys i guess. and beaver bump with oprah.

sam the sham and the pharaohs---wooly bully makes about as much sense as slamming you hand in a car door and is only slightly less painful. weak tex mex riffs for 60's frat guys--they had one song and put out 5 records. put them back in the sarcophagus and call me when it's at the museum.

nickelback--they are so bad that i almost side with the taliban because releasing this on the world makes america the biggest villain in the world. a band your mom and dad can say "is pretty good". string together some cliches--take a bad grunge rip-off and viola--nickelback. makes ugly kid joe seem awesome. music for people that buy generic twinkies and try to tell you that they are just as good.

skrewdriver---the ultimate meathead band. probably were art students but try to act "working class". if you are at a show and a big guy with a shaved head and horrible neck tattoos beats up a little guy 5 to 1 it's a skrewdriver fan. ameobas have more intelligence and a right to life than any skrewdriver fan. music for dumbasses who hate "french fries" cause they're foriegn.

the adolescents---once named a song kids from the black hole. must be one that swallows talent because these hacks flail and wail like the descendents siamese brother that was cut off ala "basket case". except belial was sexier and smarter. the musical equivalent of cold chinese buffet rice--icky//dry and forgettable. they all turned into drug addicts---but no drugs can wash away the embarassment of this hoo-ha. i wish the kids from the movie "kids" would smack these dolts with a skateboard in the head a few times.

social distortion---mascara wearing rolling stones devotees that pretend they are punk. the probable cause for the horrible rock-a-billy look--you know the one--flame tats--dumbpadour--chain wallet. more generic than a case of sam's cola and has the same effect on your stomach. been playing the same song since around 89 and their fans are so stupid thay haven't figured it out yet. the one time i wish heroin would have won.

the beatles--four long haired fops from england in the ultimate "right place, right time story". the beginning of the end for fun rock and roll for many years. they did drugs and got "serious" with songs about raccoons and octopuses.the start of everything you hate about rock music--arenas//concept albums//marketing//merchandise. put all of the blame right here peeps. music for one legged women and japanese widows to bank on. still banking on guitar hero because they have the best p.r. people ever---and because "digital simon" is about all their fan base could handle.

day 2 of your fave band sucks....the new internet sensation.

keep the requests coming and i'll keep jawnin' peoples!


pink floyd---the musical equivalent of a snooze button.you would have to shoot up meth//coke//and speed just to make it through the wall and even then it's a waste of drugs.bartender walks up to roger waters and says "why the long face"? so meandering and dull it takes 5 rigs of lights just to make it presentable live. music for people frozen in carbonite without the benefit of hard nipples.

d.r.i.---a singer so monotone he can't even be recorded in true stereo. a one trick pony that runs on quarters at the grocery store. like a garbage disposal with a spoon in it and grover from sesame street on vox. polka jams for epileptics.

the misfits---jersey's mall based industry. midgets on steroids rock for people who think count chocula is scary. legacy of merchandising is more like it. mickey mouses dressed up as ghouls killing instruments and eardrums. anything after the reunion is for twilight fans and buffy the vampire slayer conventioneers. devilcocks.

dead kennedys--possibly the most annoying and self righteous band ever hatched. the singer sounds like a leaky vacuum hose and the music sounds like the beach boys on crank. how so many get politics from this windbag is beyond me. everytime he talks i want to run over him in a hummer eating mcdonald's. music for late night denny's discussions that don't lead to sex---ever.

king crimson---y'know--i'd rather listen to a calculator--what's that you say--a calculator is silent? you got it baby. this band is a mouthful of cold cat food. an algebra equasion at a spelling bee. so pretentious i probably owe them money for writing their name. after they turned into a prog rock talking heads they were even worse. tapeloops and bassstick wankery for guitar magazine subscribers and brainiacs w/ no people skills.

sinead o' connor---the pope might forgive her--but i won't. makes crying an artform and embarasses ireland (which takes a hell of a lot of doing). i could go the easy route and say skinhead o connor but i'd rather talk about the dumbness of her earthmother music. this is music for hippy chicks who throw their cigarette butts in national forests. she's scarier than 5 potato famines. so uninformed it's hurty.

the dead milkmen---ever drive on the highway with a spare donut for a tire? that explains their whole career in a nutshell.wobbly and uneven music with a singer that is so much of a geek chickens run from him. rubber bands tied to fishbones would have more tone than these jokers. i'll give them "punk rock girl" but that's only cause i love punk rock girls. it fooled a lot of people into thinking they were cool---not me.

gwar---makes music so lame and dumb they won't even show their faces to play it. haven't made a good album since 1991 and continue to tour on whack releases even their girlfriends don't own. sounds like a fart that wets your underwear and is just as wanted. if god made anything dumber he called it canada.

and yet more from the put down thread--jeez i hate your favorite band.

morphine---music for closet jazzbos who think tom waits is "progressive". the slide bass gimmick is good for one song----the one song they do. and if leonard cohen had a buttbaby with chris issaks this is what it would sound like.it'd be prettier than morphine though. this is the kind of thing 90's hipsters would break out on you to impress you but it depressed you.

ramones---are the musical equivalent of eating pop rocks and drinking soda==big whoopy whee and then diarrhea. they are smart like arizona celebrates martin luther king day. not much.they look and sound like the guys the droogies pounded in clockwork orange--and dee dee is so dumb old dudes wouldn't even hump him. anything after animal boy is a waste of time//oxygen//life. i wish the sweathogs would have made an album--oh wait--they did.

the smiths---poofiness uber alles. are we not men--no we are the smiths. any man with a sack shouldn't ever be caught dead listening to this. makes sarah mclachlan seem like andre the giant. there is really no excuse for their existence at all--ever. i want to kill james dean even more every time i have to look at morrisey. ugh beyond ugh. the only thing i can compare a smiths album too---is jail sex in the ear.

george jones---so pogo the possum makes country records now? if donald the duck drank moonshine and humped his cousin/sister it would sound like george jones. sometimes when i'm camping i shine my lights in the woods and it catches george's eyes. he's sadder than 20 greek tales too--- his records should come with a bottle of ole' kentucky uncledaddygrandfather

bruce springsteen--the boss of suck. supposed to be the everyman--but is really just the voice of some jersey mechanic. couldn't be whiter if he drank bleach and is about as exciting as watching clothes dry on a line but his concerts take longer than that. if you look up over-rated in the dictionary there is a picture of him--fixing billy joel's car.

madonna---queen of nothing. like listening to a styrofoam cup melt and just as sexy as the smell.she's so old she's not a cougar--she's a sabretooth. hasn't been sexy//cool//or relevant since around 1989. anyone who buys her records hates freedom and good music. it figures she's from detroit--broke down//abandoned and still around

queen---where all of mott the hoople's young dude's ended up. somebody found them the wrong somebody to love i guess. anything after" the game" is for euros mainly and other people who have sex with dogs and eat trash (hi france!) paul rodgers comes in but he can't hit the high notes--but i guarantee he can hit the brown ones! it'd take some kind of magic to make this crap listenable--another band sucks my nuts

reo---hey your waster uncle is in a band==awesome. wait--it's reo==weak. these feather-haired sissies ruined my childhood with their incessant whining about women. when you look like a scarecrow minus the stuffing--whaddya expect? and if "the cup is on the table' isn't the worst lyric ever--i',m not a bastard.music for big combs//trucks//people who don't enjoy sex because they can't pretend they are someone else.

king diamond--the only singer who makes geddy lee sound like the oakridge boy who says 'giddy up papa mow mow" in elvira. if he sold his soul for that voice satan hosed him. he's not even as scary as my gas bill.the only thing getting ritualistically slaughtered is my ears.

roky erickson--have you ever tried to light a match you've already lit. well that is how it is every morning for this guy.every song is about something horrible and scary--he gets his inspiration from the mirror i'd imagine. tie 2 cats to a werewolf and put 'em over the clothesline and you'll almost be there--now huff gas//sniff glue and trip----it almost would sound like music if you did.

nwa---the world's most dangerous poop. closet republicans. we can blame every gang related crime done by white people in towns of less than 10,000 on them. they had one good album in 'em--if you put everything they ever did together.led by a midget who was 300 years old and a cross dressing dj they made plumber cracks fashionable for the world--not just the county jail day room.

g.g. allin ate enuma fries. his music is what he hurled up after. add a severe dumbass to any b.f.b. (boy's first band) and you'll have the basic concept. now shove as much catpoop in your headphones as you can and put them on.that's his greatest hits. i don't think he's dead--i think he lives in the hollow earth of the murder junkies drummers butt.

order of the black hand---nosferatu starts a band with a flintstone//mario//and some lady. supposed to be scary but only my eardrums run away. clears a room faster than a roseanne barr fart. the musical equivalent of a fork in a microwave but at least that would put out some heat.

virgil----music too dumb for words. 4 math majors work on the "how bad can we suck "equation. and it sounds like they've hit pi. they probably wish they were canadian.i've heard better rythms in typing class and i flunked that too.music for professional tic tac toe players and back bacon eaters.

elvis costello--the true revenge of the nerds. the dumbest college rock you ever heard by a dude who makes buddy holly look like burt reynolds. of course he fired the band that made him good because he believed the hype and continued to fill cut out bins for 20 years with his "post-wipe" asschicanery. he's even done "chamber music" but i wonder why they left 'torture" off the title. music for smartypants soapboxers with nothing to say. "do the freddie" nerdlings!

Steely Dan---a band that lives up to it's name--a big dildo.two banker$ decided people in california needed wine cooler music and hit the target market. so sterile/clinical that surgeons wash their hands with "steely dan". possibly the ugliest band to ever make it that wasn't metal. if seinfeld were music--it would be this---a bunch of nothing that is not funny and only yuppies like it.

more band putdowns from the same thread

tool---never has blandness been so exonerated. it's like if st. elmo's served the best bread and butter in the city. if this is art it has a silent f. if this is modern day "head" music then i'm "heading" out the door. sobering nu-metal for spencer's shoppers.

the accused---trolls steal your stash and instead of smoking it--they shove the wholebag in the singer's mouth and make him sing. even the lyric sheet can help you in this no-man's land of gobbledy-gook. they had sweet "jams" though. and i mean 80's shorts--not music.

radiohead---if i wanted to hear horrible transmissions i'd get a police scanner and run it through a flanger. so far removed from music it doesn't even have charts--it has graphs.for people who like to seem smart but really watch scifi original movies and like them. it is alternative though--an alternative to good music.

mr. bungle--this is what it would be like if "gitarzan" joined a ska group and tried (keyword tried) to play frank zappa.monkeyfunk for buttsniffers and lifetime college students.ewwahahahahawful. turn your caps back around cleetuses.

melvins--mumblerahdorfuzzzlewipe. that is the lyric sheet for 20 melvins cd's. fro masters on a mission to kill eardrums with goop. slower than a 9-11 call and just as cheerful. they raise more of a racket than al capone and in the end--it's still syphillis in prison.

capitalist casualties--- a band best left to splits since they can't hold up over 20 minutes.(that's what she said) a band so dirty that when they came over to my house for a smoke break the cat's litter box said they smelled. our ears are the real casualties here. that and the soap//shampoo industry.

butthole surfers---are like an audio drug--but not something cool like lsd or weed---more like some stool softener or something to ease your sphincter's bleeding. it reminds me of the sound of being in the drunk tank while 5 dudes yell across the hall at each other and one guy pounds on the wall to get a guard's attention. and the singer is the guy drinking from the toilet in the day room and eating the bologna sammich you're too hungover to eat.

wookie leaf----stoned wastoids playing their lil' sisters casios and calling it cosmic. bah--little debbie's cosmic brownies are more out there than this lot. i've heard better lyrics on one of those pull string "the farmer says" toys. a duck says "they suck, quack quack".

monotonix---one trick ponies pushing anarchy (as long as it makes the guarantee). like a parade of amputees on fire and that's just the music--if you add the furry manatee like looks and disregard for razors--you're looking at a burt reynolds mustache stunt double troop of diamond smuggling monkeys. guess where the diamond is?

billy joel---evenchristie brinkley wasn't impressed w/ his halston dress. and he looks like someone shaved the flying monkey and clipped it's wings off. he is the audio equivalent of watching a whole season of "bosom buddies" or "give me a break"---and has just as much significance. he should be a muppet forever singing "we didn't start the fire".....IN HELL!

sex pistols---they sound like licking an ashtray tastes--and not just some smokes--like pall malls or winstons. i've seen better teeth on rakes and chuck berry called--he wanted his riffs back (and his watching people poop videos). they are trendsetters though----in the realm of talentless suck they are pioneers. anarchi$$$t$. steve jones solo and p.i.l. are too lame for even big lots cut out bins. further proof hair dye is as important as hooks.

baby opaque--a band that someone read about on the rosetta stone. they broke up so m. dean could start up another band no one heard of (bomb). he should join crackpipe wisconsin so justin and hayden would double the amount of fans these obscure p.o.s.'s had. bomb was better but that's like saying one tree in the forest fell better than another one while no one was around.

mannheim steamroller---a band so lame that if they were on a pbs telethon people would cancel their charity checks. granny jams that grannys don't even like. music for x-mas shopping or teeth drilling. even if they rented a soul it wouldn't help them at all. like a whole bottle of nyquil was shot into your brain and you could only sleep and puke.

the clash----punk rock godfathers? maybe but the only orphan they raised was big audio dynamite. should have shoved that one back in the hole, eh? the only pile of shit i've seen as big as sandinista is gary, indiana. i blame them for rancid and a bunch of really bad singer songwriter junk that is about as punk as richards nixon. now that i think about it--their teeth were more gnarly than the pistols---back to the army navy store with you wankers---sherif was right not to like it.

the shitty beach boys (beach boys cover band on youtube)--if covering songs that are so white they make edgar winter put on shades is your cup of urine sample-- then these are your boys. i've heard better sounds come from a wood chipper.

hot water music---the singer sounds like a gazelle that is being eaten. and i'd bet even the farts the lion makes after is whiny. why does the word melodic mean "whining" and why would i want to read a loser's journal--let along hear a song made out of it. it hurts my head like a kid that ain't related to me yelling at the store. except i don't want to beat h.w.m.--i just want to lock it in the closet and make it cry more.

on facebook i posted a putdown your fave band thread--here is the results

black flag?? oh you mean ginn's folly? just listen to anything after my war all the way through---you can't do it.

faith no more? king for 2 records--douches for a lifetime.thanks for disturbed, patton.

the doors---poetry for burnouts//lizard fetishists//grandma's organists. once you get that hoser from the cult on board you are making poop even poopier.

the dockers---i've taken more entertaining craps and fell back into them. that dude couldn't sing with a red hot poker in his butt. and it's too bad there isn't an old and fat billboard chart so they could be #1

.candlebox--when you are endorsed by craig chaos there is no burn that can be lower than that. the crystal lite of grunge....

g.b.r.--liars. no gays/blacks/or republicans. fozzy bear on bass//grandpa on guitar and a singer who can't keep his balance on an invisible surfboard. i won't even go into the drummer--he has enough problems.

sonic youth is the brocholi of music--it's supposed to be good for you but it tastes like crap. thurston moore is such a weiner he's afraid to jack off in case someone thinks he's being sexist..

genesis is so long winded they just finished their first album.when your selling point is phil collins--the spitting image puppets is a step up visually. music for people who sniff their own farts willingly....

the queers? i like that one song...you know--the only one they have ever played. dude makes angus young look like miles davis.

ween--i think just getting laid once would end their career--and their fandom too. sometimes i just like to leave the washing machine unbalanced and play 78 records on 33 to get the same feeling as a ween album

the electric eels-- without hindsight and collector//revisionist nerds we'd not even be bringing up their name right now. they are the dockers of 70's cleveland aka--they never left the city. save your money and buy a bassist. art terrorism? more like ear terrorism.

the minutemen---take 1/2 gang of four mix with one part capt. beefheart===beat poetry for beat offs. the guitar sounds like chewing aluminum foil and the words don't even make sense to them. i'm sure it was important at the time--much like the painted macaroni sculpture you made in vacation bible school was.

turbonegro----never has so little been made of so little. the village people of glam rock. the only reason they make your butt move is to knock off all the eyeliner popeyes from grabbing it. if t-rex could be fruitier they'd be turbonegro.really i've said too much, i could have just of hawkered on the ground.

iron maiden---if you have the spare time between popping zits and playing world of warcraft--they are your dudes.music for history buffs that can't read. just when you thought stripey spandex was dead--it's time for a "new" album--which only means new words really. getting excited for a new maiden album is like getting excited before each breath.


crackpipe wisconsin---if dali painted them they could not be more obscure. like most things from boston--they failed.only justin and them even know they were a band. so underground they can't be googled. you gave me the cd-r but i smoked it.

the kinks--gap toothed brothers who fell over distortion and wrote that song 6 times before branching out into meaningless opera that only made sense to anglophiles and royalists. i'd rather watch the telly, guv'nor. i blame them for brit-pop and that's another whole load of limey poopery.they are the reason there is a carpark where the local pally used to be.

poems///may become songs

i'd hump donny and marie and make them go get crack for me.
grab the pope's cup and take a pee
ask him if it tastes like weed or lsd
hop on a plane to new guinea
drop a shoe bomb down the chimney
suck all the salt out of the baltic sea STYLEFREE
land of the lost not land of the free
rocking a rhyme just that easy
making your mom just that sleazy
flip my bacon it's too greasy
after we eat you take a nap with me


a river in Egypt is where you live
negative vibes are all you give
you can lie straight to a brother's face
but i know the truth behind your disgrace
so keep on lying and thinking you are smart shortcut through the desert
you're only showing me you have no heart
keep your lies for someone who gives a fuck
keep your denial it will swallow you up

so i am actually going to write from now on

let's see if i stick to it.

my name is mike rippy aka aztec kotex aka rip.

i live in indianapolis indiana.

i do vocals for the dockers.

i also host shows at my house--casa del kotex.

i like original music of many kinds but my favorite is heavy music like punk/metal/grindcore.

this will be reviews//rants//poetry//whatever i type mofos--it's my blog.